My Last Petal

Journal: Love's pain

Today, I felt that I am not alone. I found someone who same pain as I did, Suffer the same fate as I did too. The loneliness he feel when she's gone. Words he used in his blog felt deep as I feel it through my heart. Even though I never met him and I always felt jealousy toward him, take him as my rival who took away my one heart & happiness but now he have the same sadness and emptiness as we both held inside. I understand now that I am not alone, even though I finally have my pieces together. Mother came back to the family, someone who cook whenever I come home where home-made foods to eat instead of just cup noodle or fast-food everyday for the past 5 years since my dearly late grandmother passed away. But still that always someone who have against my happiness, my cousins, my aunts, they will never accept my mother live with me. I know it was wrong for divorces parent to live together but I can't let my mother and stepsiblings lives in a tent again where I last found them. WHAT KIND OF SON AM I who do that!... I sometime I wish they will just buzz off... Gang up on me, telling me to get my mother out of the house. Fucked them all!. Who am I in position to do that! Sigh.... hmm.. Sometime I know what she doned in the past and some I couldn't forgive but no matter what, how much I hate her, she is after all, my mother.... She love me. I always remember when I was 12, I saw my friend's father & mother came to their child's graduation ceremony while I don't, my father is busy and I all alone and I felt jealousy toward everyone... Everywhere I go, seeing both parent with their childs, I felt anger and felt want to kill them all. Even my bestfriend by just looking at them, make me sick and my heart felt pains but I just keep a smiles.. ahhhh but what past is past, grow up without a mother since I was 7 and father always busy, teaches me to be independent, I know how to cook by myself, taught the basic by my lovely late grandmother, cook for my family. Although alone causes me miserable from the start and nobody know much of my existence but thank to a great family and few closest friends, I began slowly realises I will strive for my existence to realises. I will try to be socialize and letting go my emotions.. Thank them all..

Sigh, but yet there are more people and things that bringing me back down and I must stand to fight them. Battles had just began. To prove myself and my existence is my motto. Even pains are sometime unbearable.

For the boy who have same fate and pain inside, I wish him a happy 18th birthday and hope he strive for his goal....

posted by MarcusLazarus The Last @ 8:24 AM